Director

• John R. Cherry III

Producers

• Doug Claybourne
• Stacy Williams

Cast

• Billie Bird
• Oliver Clark
• Jim Varney
• Robert Lesser
• Patty Maloney
• Noelle Parker
• Gailard Sartain
• Douglas Seale
• Bill Welter

QUOTE:First time in Orlando? "Oh no. I fly in once a year. Of course, I usually come in a different way." Where are you from? "Up North." Me too. Toronto. What line of work are you in? "Toys mostly" No fooling? You've been in it long? "Longer than you can imagine." I hear that.

QUOTE:You here on business? "I'm here to appoint a replacement, someone to take over my duties. Unfortunately, a person with the right qualifications is difficult to find." Well, it's a smart cookie that knows when it's time to hang up the old cleats. "Oh it's time... and you know I'm afraid I really should have done this last year. I don't think I've quite got the magic for another trip." That's how I feel every time they send me to Pittsburgh.

QUOTE:"You know there was a time when I could remember every name on my list." A lot of contacts? "Oh, all over the world! And now I have trouble recalling who was naughty, and who was nice, who asked for a toy truck, and who wanted a bicycle." Sounds like a database problem.

QUOTE:Hey buddy hurry up! I've gotta get to the airport. "Oh don't worry mister. We'll make that plane. I have lived my entire life in the fast lane. I have an almost supernatural feel for the road beneath my tires. Ha ha! Thrill driver! Reminds me of my old days on the figure 8 track 'in car nine it's Ernest P Worrell the Screaming Demon! He's going for his second track record tonight!' Hey Mister, you can't get out here. Fun is fun, but you've got a plane to catch!

QUOTE:What a place. Christmas time and it's 80 degrees. "Yes, I'm used to a colder climate myself." You know what I'd really like for Christmas? Snow. "Snow? I could have sworn you wanted a CD player. I'd better make a note of that.

QUOTE:Bob we've got nine crates on hold and they've got to be picked up on the 24th. I can't believe it! Who in their right mind would be working on the 24th? That's, that's Christmas Eve. I'll tell you who: We who. That's who. Rain, sleet, hail, the Super Bowl, the Fourth of July. Bob, if it weren't for us this airline would never get off the ground. Ain't that right Bobby?

QUOTE:I guess if you want things done right you've got to do them yourself. Yo Bob, break's over.

QUOTE:Ahhh, smell those Christmas trees. You can keep your channel number five just give me a whiff of the old lonesome pine. That symbol of brotherly love, that centerpiece that all mankind gathers around to share the cranberry sauce shaped like a can.

QUOTE:It's nice to find somebody with such devotion to Christmas. "You know I don't tell many people this but Christmas is just about my favorite time. Ever since I was a little kid I always felt like it was my own personal holiday. I'm at one with the yuletide know what I mean?

QUOTE:It says hold for pick up by... what is that an M? "V." Right here. That's an M. "V." M. "V." M. "V." M. "V." M. "V." M. "V." Alright, that's an M. Hold for helper elMes. You know what, that is probably Amish, it could even be Quaker. Only thing I know is that it's French. "V." Okay, Bobby, I tell you what, I need you to get back to work.

QUOTE:Uncle Joey, are you kidding? They never get old. They always stay new, those three little words: Please, and Thank You.

QUOTE:I haven't seen that show in years. Is he still on the air? "Well he was until three weeks ago and then it was canceled. Well I don't get that he has to worry, by now he must be rolling in the mucho dinero. "Well you don't get rich by doing a once a week children's program on local television. You've got to do it for other reasons, and that's why I'm here.

QUOTE:Hey, hey! Hey, hold it! Hold it! You forgot something. "Take it easy mister it's not me you know it's my brother he does this to me all the time I swear we go out, right, and he says he has the money and then we eat and then he says he has to go to the bathroom and he sneaks out just when the check comes and I'm left with no money and this stupid look on my face and I swear it won't happen again so just let me go this time all right mister." You expect me to believe that? "No, I swear it's true look there's my brother now there he is hey Tommy!

QUOTE:What we've got here is a failure to accumulate. What the heck, it's on the house. Merry Christmas old buddy.

QUOTE:Hey listen, you know, I really want to thank all you kids for coming to see me here today and why do I say thank you? Because they never seem old, they always seem new, those three little words, Please, and Thank You.

QUOTE:Jingle bells, checkbook swells, big deals on the way. Hey babe, park it in the shade. What do you say all right.

QUOTE:This guy was different. Call it clairvoyance, call it extra-sensory perspiration, I just had this hunch.

QUOTE:I kept track of him until he was 11 or so, Ernest, I mean. What a good boy. Not very bright. He grew up with this guy I think his name was... Vern.

QUOTE:Ho, ho, ho Vern! Merry Christmas! It's Santa's little party helper! This is Harmony. She's been having kind of a tough time so I'm helping her out. You know kind of a father image kinda thing. As the twig is bent, so grows the tree... know what I mean?

QUOTE:There's no such thing think about it, a guy who flies around the whole world in one night. It just doesn't quite correspond with the laws of time and travel. "No no no no no, it's possible. If you take the international dateline, multiply it by the time zones, divide it by the accelerated rotation of the Earth, uh, now carry the one, and uh, allowing for the vernal equinox on the tropic of cancer, he might just pull it off.

QUOTE:Hello, I'm chief Spenks, how can I help you? Clementh here, Oscar Clementh. I'm with the Governor State Correctional, Institutional Prisoner, Fair Treatment task force and this is the Governor's Niece Mindy. Mindy's writing a school paper on how government really works. This is a surprise inspection Chief "Do you need an education to be Chief or can anybody do it?" We had to fight our way through an army of TV cameramen just to get in here. "Is that Spinks or Spenks? Were you elected into office or did you just buy your way in?" Isn't she a doll?

QUOTE:Get real, nobody believes in Santa Claus. "Oh, she's been this way since that Christmas when I brought her a doll instead of a baseball mitt. Haven't you Pamela?

QUOTE:I never doubted you'd do the right thing. "Really?" Yeah, just a little bit of doubt.